The Gospel of Control: Why Your Plans Still Feel Fragile

Speaker A00:00:00

Friend, let me be honest today. Today's show isn't about content. This is what it feels like when you're carrying more than you can hold. And you're not anxious because you're lazy.You're anxious because you're trying to stay ahead. You're planning, you're fixing, you're always calculating. And then you get in bed and your body is tired.But if you're like me, your thoughts just keep pacing over and over. Or you're sitting at your desk, you've got your calendar open. You.You've got the budget pulled up, you've got a list running and another list on top of that one. But still your chest feels tight and your thoughts just won't slow down. And your peace feels so breakable. And you hate that feeling, don't you?That feeling where you think, how can I be this prepared and still yet feel this afraid? But I want to start by saying something that might free you today. Planning isn't the enemy.But when planning becomes your savior, that peace becomes fragile. Because plans can organize your life. Plans are great. My oldest son says all the time we gotta have plans, dad.But plans cannot hold your life together. Only God can do that. So today we're naming something subtle, something responsible people carry. Something believers carry.So today I'm calling it the gospel of control. Now, this isn't one of the main gospels, but the gospel of control is what we're going to talk about today. We're asking a real question.Why do your plans still feel fragile? And how do you find real peace? Not from certainty, because you're never going to find certainty in this life, but from surrender.And I want you to start by saying this with me today. Open hands, steady heart. You're going to hear that a couple times today. When the world falls apart, I stand firm. Though the culture shifts like sand.Your truth, O Lord, is where I choose to stand. Truth unveiled. Truth unveiled. If we haven't met yet. Hey, friend. I'm Ralph Eastep Jr. And this is Truth Unveiled with Ralph.And the whole point of this show, the point of this channel, isn't to hype you up. It's actually to help you breathe again.To take the headline, the pressure, the cultural noise as we talk about every week, even your private struggles, and lay them next to the unshakable truth of God's word. That's why I do the show. Because the world changes every single day. But God doesn't. So when life feels unstable, we come here to get anchored.We come here for clarity. We come here for courage. And most of all, we come here for hope.And today we're going to go after that place in you, that feeling that you have to hold everything together. So many of us have this feeling because culture has a message, and culture's message sound wise. On the outside, it says this.If you plan enough, you'll feel okay. If you can predict enough, you won't get hurt. So many of us have been hurt. And this one, if you control enough, you won't be surprised.So you don't just plan. Hey, if we just plan, that'd be great. But we go one step further. We grip onto that. We brace for it. We tighten our hands around life.And you call it being responsible. But deep down, it isn't responsibility what it really is. It's fear. It's fear in a suit. It's fear with a spreadsheet. It's fear with a calendar.Because here's the sinister part. Control promises us comfort. It says to us, if you hold it all, you'll be okay. But control will never deliver peace.What control delivers is exhaustion. Because control is a counterfeit God. Control asks for your attention. It asks for your energy. And guess what? Like many of us, it asks for your sleep.And after it takes all of that, it still never guarantees you tomorrow. So your soul constantly stays on edge even when your plans look perfect. I'm talking about perfect plans. And here's that lie under the lie.Yes, there's multiple lies here. We start believing peace comes from certainty. That's what we believe. So many of us believe that. I believe this.But biblically, peace comes from surrender. So I say again, open hands, steady heart. Let me ask you something. When you're trying to control everything, what are you really afraid of?You might be saying, ralph, what are you talking about? I'm just trying to control things. No, what are you afraid of? Is it losing something? Something you work so hard for? Is that what you're afraid of?Is it being embarrassed I'm going to control this because I'm so scared that I'm going to be embarrassed? Maybe. Is it feeling helpless again?Have you had times in your life where you just felt helpless and you said, I'm never going to get in that position again. I'm going to always be in control? Or is it that fear that if this falls apart because you've been down that road, you won't survive it?Because in my experience, control is rarely about order. Control is usually about pain. Think about that for a second. It's your heart Saying is, God, I can't go through that again.Think of the most difficult thing you've been through in your life. I can't even fathom what that is for some of you listening right now. But you don't want to go through that again.So you say to yourself, well, if I can control it, I won't go through that again. But, friend, listen to me. That doesn't make you weak. That makes you wounded. And God is not standing over you with disgust.God is standing near you with an invitation. Surrender now. Before I give you numbers, let's name what anxiety really feels like. It's that feeling like your shoulders just never drop.You're always tensed up. It feels like you can't be present because your mind is scanning for danger.You ever sit in a restaurant and you're looking all around who's coming in the door, but you can't focus on the person you're with because you're still scanning. You're looking for danger all around you.It feels like even on those good days, you just don't feel safe because you're just waiting for that other shoe to drop. You've been down this road before, and that shoe always drops. And you're not imagining it. This is common. Listen to CDC reports.12.1% of US adults have regular feelings of worry, nervousness, or anxiety. 12%. It's a big number. And the National Institute of Mental health reports that 19.1% of US adults had an anxiety disorder in the past year.Nearly 20% in the past year. So maybe you're listening right now. You're thinking, wow, that's me. Well, you're not alone in that, are you?But bigger than that, you're not a disappointment to God. But if anxiety has become your normal, and for so many of us, we live in a constant state of anxiety, I want to give you a quick answer here.The answer isn't a stronger grip on that. You're never going to grip your way into getting rid of that anxiety. The real answer is a stronger foundation. And that foundation isn't certainty.A lot of us will go there and say, well, I gotta get to a point of certainty, Ralph. Then I'll feel stronger. I'll have a strong foundation. But that's not where the foundation is.The foundation is surrender to a God who does not change. We talked about culture earlier, how it's always evolving and changing, but God doesn't change. I want to share a few scenes.I want you to paint this in your mind. These aren't Perfect church stories. These are just real stories. Because you don't need a lecture right now. What you need is a mirror.And once I give you that mirror, let's talk about a way out. So paint this picture. This is what I call the responsible spiral. This is all about me. I'm an accountant. That's what I do for a living.Planning is my world. Everything I do is planned. I've got deadlines, tax calendars, weekly and monthly payroll schedules, cash flow projections.Now, as an accountant, planning is wise for me. It's what I do. It's what keeps my clients out of trouble. It's what keeps my clients organized, is what keeps me organized.But I've had seasons, deep seasons, where I did everything right. I mean, everything was done exactly.I had calendars set up, meetings were gone as they were, all the work was done, but I still felt like I couldn't breathe. And here's how that shows up. See, it's not always this panic. Sometimes it's quieter than that.It's when you wake up in the morning and you're already tired, but you just got done sleeping. It's your brain starting a day like it's already behind. Your mind is already going a mile a minute.It's that tight feeling in your chest when you open your email. Even before you read anything, it's sitting at the table with people you love. Now, this is going to hit one a little bit close to home.You're sitting at the table with people you love and you're smiling. You're pretending like you're engaged, but your mind is just running numbers. And not just money numbers. I'm not just talking about Accountants World.I'm talking about life numbers. You start thinking to yourself, how long can we keep this pace? What if all we're talking about goes wrong?What if the next thing hits us before we even recover from the last thing we've been dealing with? And the wild part is, from the outside, you look fine. Nobody knows this. You look organized, you look responsible.You look like you got it all together, but inside, you're holding your breath, your shoulders are tight, you're clenched up. Because underneath the planning is a sentence that nobody wants to say out loud, but you feel it.If I don't hold everything together, everything will fall apart. I felt that so many times. Do you feel that? And friend, that sentence, it sounds like the right sentence sounds like responsibility, right?But that's not what it is. It's fear. It's fear wearing a tie. It's fear with A task list. It's fear with a calendar. And here's the part I don't love admitting to you.Sometimes I don't realize I'm anxious until someone I love says it. They say things like, hey, you're here, but you're not really here, Ralph. I've heard that so many times from my family over the years.I'd be sitting in a dinner table or sitting watching tv and they'll be talking to me and I'm not even hearing them. And they'll politely say, dad, what are you doing? Are you listening to what I'm saying? No.My mind is going a mile a minute and it stings when somebody says that to you. And it's not because I'm trying to be distant. I'm trying to keep everybody safe. See, I see myself as the safety leader.I'm trying to keep the wheels on the bus. I'm trying to make sure nobody gets hurt. But it doesn't work, does it? Because control doesn't just steal your peace, it steals your presence.It steals your ability to be with somebody. It steals the ability to enjoy what God is doing right now in this moment. Because you're always trying to prevent what might happen next.You're always thinking a couple steps ahead. And friend, I don't want that for you today. I don't want that for you any day. Because you can't love people.Well, when your nervous system is living in emergency mode, here's a different scene, something I see almost every day in my practice. The business owner who can't rest.I've sat with thousands of business owners over to my 30 year career who have great numbers, their bills are covered, their revenue, steady work is coming in. Hey, on the outside their business looks great.If you looked at their spreadsheets, you looked at their financials, you think, hey, they should be okay, right? But the spreadsheet isn't telling the full story because they can't sleep at night. It's not because they're irresponsible.It's not that they're doing the wrong things. It's they're trying to carry too much on their own alone.And every night as they try to go to sleep, they're thinking, what if my biggest client leaves? I felt that so many times in my career. What's going to happen if my biggest client. How am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to pay my stamp?How am I going to pay my rent? What's going to happen? This is what happens at night.What if my truck breaks down, maybe you're a service provider thinking, man, if my truck breaks down, how do I get to the jobs? How do I do that? And at night, that's what you're thinking. Or maybe you've got employees and you're thinking, what if my key employee quits?I don't even know how to do what she does. I don't even know where to start, Ralph. But what if next month is slow and you don't even see it coming?Those are all the thoughts that so many people think. You might be thinking those right now. As you're listening to this, you're like, Ralph, you're.You're hitting me right over the head with those things. And what's heartbreaking is this. They haven't even thought about. They haven't even dreamed about growing anymore.They're not thinking, how do I build something healthy? They're thinking, how do I survive something scary? Because that's what's all playing in. In our minds. What's going to happen next? What happens if?What happens if? What happens if? Just what happens if? But there's no growth. There's no ability to see past that.So they keep working head down, they keep checking, they keep bracing, and their nervous system stays on call, like life is some emergency. But see, that's what control does. It takes something good. Responsibility is good. Responsibility is the adult thing to do, right?You want to be the adult in the room, be responsible. But here's the problem with that. It turns into bondage at some point. It turns into bondage when you're not building, but you're just bracing.And you can't flourish when you're always bracing for what's going to happen next. Let's talk about this one. Let's talk about the parent. This one hits close to home for me as well. You know, today's episode is a lot about Ralph.But, friend, this one gets tender fast because you don't control your kids because you're mean to them. You know, a lot of people say, well, you know, you don't want to control your kids, but you do control your kids.And it's not because you're mean to them. You control them because you love them. I think back to my two boys. I remember when my youngest son was born, I wouldn't let anybody even touch him.My wife makes fun of me to this day. When he came home from the hospital, my mom went to talk to him. When to pick him up, the brother, I said, no, no, no. You know, make sure.You put on the hand wipes, make sure you clean your hands. And don't breathe on him. For sure. Because I was scared. Maybe you're scared right now. You're afraid your kids are going to get hurt.You're scared they're going to make a decision that's going to unravel their life, something they can't undo. And if we're being honest, as parents, sometimes we're scared we're going to fail our own kids.And you're so scared that if you loosen your grip, you let something slip through your fingers. So you're constantly on monitoring. You manage them. You hover over them. You replay conversations after bedtime. What did my son say?What did my daughter say? You look at their mood for the day, and you try to predict the future, what's going to happen tomorrow. But listen to me.This doesn't come from coldness. It comes from devotion. You're devoted to your kids, but love mixed with fear. And that's what we're talking about.You love them, but you fear for them. But that love mixed with fear turns into control. And control over time does something super sneaky to the heart.It convinces you deep down that your vigilance is what keeps them safe. You think if I'm vigilant, if I plan everything, if I monitor everything, if I'm watching everything they do online, they're going to be safe.But that's not the truth, is it? The truth is this. You can be a deeply loving parent and still be exhausted. You know why? Because you're trying to do God's job.You can only do so much. So, friend, I want to say this so gently right now. God never asked you to be omniscient. He never asked you to take on that role.He never asked you to be omnipresent. He doesn't want you to be everywhere for everyone at all the time. And he never asked you to be the Savior. That's his job.But what he did ask you to be is faithful. And see, this is where scripture starts to feel less like correction and more like mercy. Because God is not trying to take planning away.I'm not telling you, don't plan. Planning is a valuable thing. It's a responsible thing. It's an adult thing to do.But what God is trying to do is take that crushing weight away from you. He's trying to give you back your breath. He's trying to give you back your sleep so you can sleep at night.And he's trying to give you back Your presence with those people that you love. And scripture steps right into this. Now, it doesn't do this to shame you, but it does it to free you. Because God knows something about you.God knows all about you. He knows you don't control because you're bad. You're not a bad person trying to control people.It annoys me when people say, oh, that person's a real controlling person. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a fierce person. You're a scared person. And most of the time you're a tired person. And God knows that.So James doesn't come swinging a hammer. We're going to read the book of James here in a second. James comes like a friend taking the weight off your shoulders.Let's look at James, chapter four, verses 13 to 15. And this is what James says.Now listen, you who say, today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. Why do you not even know what will happen tomorrow? What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.Instead, you ought to say, if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that. Okay, listen, that's harsh, isn't it? And James isn't saying don't make plans. So don't misspeak about what I'm saying here.He's not saying don't make plans. A lot of people take this and they go, oh. What he's saying is don't make plans. Just let the God will. God's lead me or wherever he go.That's not what he's saying. He says, don't make plans like your God making those plans. Because that's what we do, right? We say, next month I'll be caught up by summer.We're going to be stable as a family by fall, the business will finally breathe for me after tax season. Then I'm going to be able to rest. Once that bill is paid, I'm going to feel okay. And friend, I'm not mocking that. I'm telling you the truth.That gospel of control talking, that's the gospel of control talking. It's that voice in your head that says, if I can just get far enough ahead, just a little bit ahead, I'll be finally safe.And see, James is confronting presumption. That's what I'm going to say here. That posture that says, I've got this. I can guarantee this, I control this.See, that's what James is talking about the person says, we're going to do this and we're going to do that. Think about the list in your head. I'm going to do this and this and this and this. But God's saying something in mercy. He says, you are a mistake.That freeze mist is human, isn't it? It's like a fog on a morning drive. You see it all around you and all of a sudden it's gone. It's like breath on a cold window.You breathe on it, it's there and then it's gone in like a two seconds. Now a lot of people say, well, God's insulting me. No, that's not what he's doing. He's relieving you. He's saying, you are not built to carry tomorrow.You're not built to carry the outcomes. You're not built to carry the whole world on your shoulders. Because here's what presumption does.It turns that planning, which is a good thing, into pressure. It turns your calendar into a cage that you put yourself in. It turns your budget into a life raft. And then you start living like this.Hey, if my numbers stay perfect, I'm good, I'm okay. If the schedule stays perfect, I'm okay. If nothing surprises me, I want to be okay. But we all know what life does.In life, a client leaves, your kid gets sick, your car breaks down. A medical report shows up like a punch in the chest.Sometimes that relationship that you put so much into shifts, a headline hits and suddenly your plan can't hold. No matter your best efforts, the best laid plans. So God says, say it like this. If it's the Lord's will. Now see, that's not religious fill.A lot of people say, well, the Lord's will. That's what. That's not what he's saying. It's freedom. See, that's that open hands I'm talking about.That's you saying, lord, I'm going to plan, but I'm not going to pretend it's going to work. I will not worship the work. I will be faithful and God will be God. Now listen to Jesus.This is what Jesus steps in and says this and he goes straight for the anxious heart. Jesus says, do not worry about your life and what you feel. I want you to feel the kindness of what Jesus says there.He's not being cold, he's not being harsh. He's not saying, stop it. He's more like saying, hey, come here, let me carry that. I can do that for you. And then he asked this Brilliant question.Can any one of you, by worrying at a single hour, to your life, and that's really the question, isn't it? Because Jesus is exposing the lie that we all believe. Worry feels like control. But worry doesn't produce control. Worry produces exhaustion.And deep down you already know this because you've worried yourself sick over this. And it didn't change the outcome, did it? You stayed up all night worried about this and this and this. And it didn't prevent that phone call, did it?You've run every scenario in your head and life still surprised you even though you had it all planned out. So Jesus isn't shaming you, he's just waking you up. He's saying worry cannot do what you think it can do. And then Jesus anchors you.He says, seek first his kingdom. And what he's really saying it is in other words, before you seek certainty, before you seek control, seek me.Before you seek the perfect plan, seek me. That's what Jesus is calling you out to do and closes with this. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow.See, Jesus isn't pretending tomorrow doesn't exist. He's telling you, don't worry about it. He's protecting today. He wants you to live in today.Because worry steals today in the name of preparing for tomorrow. I know that's strong, but it's the truth. Worry steals today in the name of preparing for tomorrow.And that's why you can be with your family like I talked about earlier, but not still be present. That's why you can be at dinner and your mind is doing math. That's why you can listen to this one.You can be in church hearing the word of God and your chest still feels tight. And Jesus is saying this, come back to right now. Come back to this minute, Come back to me. Open hands, steady heart.And Proverbs gives you the posture for that. Open handed planning. This is what it says in Proverbs, chapter 3, verses 5 and 6.Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to him and he will make your paths straight. Notice what it doesn't say. It doesn't say figure it all out.Proverbs doesn't say go figure it out. It doesn't say predict the whole future. It doesn't say control every outcome. What does it say? Trust.Now listen friend, I know trust is hard because we've all been hurt by people that we are supposed to have trusted and they hurt us, didn't it? But trust means you don't get to know everything up front. You don't get to know everything first.But trust means you take that next faithful step without any guarantees. Trust means you make that plan, but you don't cling to that plan. See, this is what proverb looks like in real life. Think about this for a second.You make the budget, but you don't make the budget. You're God. You build that calendar, but you don't build your peace on the calendar.You do the next right thing and you release what you cannot control. And you say this, lord, I'll be faithful, but I'm not carrying the outcomes anymore. It doesn't say, understand everything.It says, trust God with everything. So again, I say, open hands, steady heart. Well, now let's talk about how to spot that gospel of control. I want to make this personal.Now, this isn't some checklist I talked earlier. This is a mirror for so many of us. Control sounds like this. You refresh your bank app like it's cpr. You keep hitting it. Oh, it's.Something's going to change. I keep hitting it. It's going to be okay. You rehearse that conversation 12 times in your head before you give it.I'm going to talk to my daughter and I'm going to say this. I'm going to say this. And then you go, I'm going to do it again. I'm going to tell.Yeah, you can't rest because rest feels irresponsible at that point. So you check your email, then check it again. And check it again. Not because there's new information, because checking gives you 10 seconds of relief.And that's what we're looking for. We're looking for relief of that pain, of the things that we know we can't control.And for so many of us, we think we need to have certainty to be wise. But you don't need certainty to be wise. You need certainty to feel safe. And that's the trap. Because life won't give you certainty.Only God can give you peace. One thing about life, it will never get you certainty. So I go back to again, open hands, steady heart. So let's draw the line clearly.I'm not telling you to stop planning. What I'm telling you is to stop worshiping planning. See, planning says this. I want to be prepared. That's not what control says.Control says I need to be safe. See, that's the catch. Planning says what's wise for me to do. Control asks what guarantees no pain. See, planning is a tool. Tools are good.Like A hammer with a carpenter. It does good things. Control is a religion. And here's the sentence I want you to remember. Wisdom makes a plan. Fear demands a promise.And here's the problem. Fear never gets the promise. Because God never promised a pain free life.If you don't hear anything else I say today, God has never promised you a pain free life. You are going to have pain in your life. A lot of people don't like me to say that. Like that's kind of harsh. Ralph. I'm 53 years old.I've had a ton of pain in my life. I haven't had to pain at a lot of people who are watching or listening. Maybe right now you're like Ralph, you have no concept of pain.You're probably right about that. But God never promised me a pain free life. What he did promise us is his presence. That's the key to it, his presence. So friend, listen to this.If your peace is built on certainty, you're going to panic when certainty breaks. Because certainty is going to break. But if your peace is built on God, that's that foundation we talked about. You can plan and still breathe.You can work and still rest. And you can do your part and let God be God. So now, friend, I want to talk about something practical because I don't want you to just feel seen.I want you to know what it is to do this week when that chest pressure shows up. Because it's going to show up. What we talked about today is going to happen in your life.I want to give you a framework that's helped me and helped other people put a name on what's happening inside of you. I call it the three buckets of control. That simple. Three buckets of control. And here's why it matters.Most of the time you're thinking anxious about everything. That's what you're anxious about, everything. But usually it's just one bucket, it's just one area, one grip you've got.So we're going to start to sort it out. Because when you can name it, you can release. That's one of the things I truly believe in my life.When you can name something, you can analyze it and you can release it. Here's bucket one outcomes. We're all going to be guilty of this one.We try to control the results, we try to control the numbers, the timelines, we try to control how it turns out. But this is the bucket that screams from the mountaintops. If I don't get the result, I'm not safe. And Friend. This one is everywhere in our lives.It's the business owner staring at that bank account, refreshing it. Like it's going to change the story. Like if I refresh it, hit the app again, PB is going to change. It's not going to change.It's the parent watching the kids choices and thinking if this goes the wrong way, I'm going to break. If my son or my daughter makes the wrong decision, it's going to break me.It's the employee waiting on the review and feel like the whole worth is in somebody else's decision. You ever felt that you've been waiting on your review at work and you're going to measure your worth based on what somebody else says to you?You're trying to control the outcome. Hey, listen to this one. This one hits close to home for me.It's the person trying to get their health under control who can't breathe until the next appointment because that outcome of that appointment feels like everything. And see outcomes control something like this. If it doesn't work, I'm done. Listen, if this doesn't work this time, I'm done.I'm not going to try anymore. If the number isn't right, I can't breathe. If the timeline I created slips, I'm a failure. If I don't get the yes, I'm not okay.And if this doesn't change, there's no hope. And I need you to hear this gently. When outcomes own you, you start living like God owes you certainty.God does not owe you certainty, but he gives you something better. He gives you his presence. He gives you his steadiness. See, surrender in this bucket doesn't sound like quitting. I go back to what I said earlier.It sounds like open handed planning. It sounds like, lord, I'm going to be faithful, but I release the outcome to you.Lord, I'm going to do my part, but I'm not carrying the harvest anymore. Lord, I can't control the end. So help me be faithful in the next step that I can take. And see, this is very much how I view this podcast.When I set out to do this show, I said, lord, I just want you to help me reach people, get me in front of people that I can reach with a positive message that there is hope. But listen, I can't hold onto the result. I can't make them do what I talk about doing on the show. I can't make them connect.I can't make them do any of those things, Lord, but just give me the opportunity to Reach them. But I can't own the outcomes. Let's talk about bucket. Two people. It's a legitimate bucket, isn't it? We measure ourselves based on responses.We measure ourselves based on their moods, their approval, and their choices. See, this is the bucket. That one turns you into a manager of everyone else's emotion. You ever feel like you're a manager of everyone else's emotions?You walk into a room, you're like, oh, let me check on how this person. Oh, it's gonna be a rough morning. I see how Sally is. I see how Travis is.This one is exhausting because you can't rest when you're always scanning the room for, what's this one up to? What's this one up? You're always reading the tone. You're always interpreting the silence, because maybe they're not saying anything.You were playing that text message you got, trying to decode. What did they really mean? Or you ever know somebody like this? Maybe it's you. You overanalyze every single word in a text message.As you send one, you're waiting. You see the three little dots. You're like, what are they going to say back to me? What am I going to do?And that people control shows up in real life like this. You send that message and they don't respond right away. And your chest things, oh, I must have said the wrong thing. What is their mood today?What's going on? Did I break a relationship? Or maybe for you.Walk into the house at the end of the day and someone is quiet, you start thinking, oh, it must be my fault. I must have done something today. Because you're taking that ownership of people.Or maybe you're the peacemaker, but for so many of us, that turns into being the peacekeeper. And you don't do this because you're fake. It's not that you're trying to be fake. You're afraid of conflict because you know what that looks like.You're afraid of being rejected because maybe you've been rejected in your life. You're afraid of being misunderstood because you remember that time 20 years ago when you were misunderstood.And you're afraid of someone being disappointed in you. And some of you learn this super early. You learn this. If I can keep everybody okay, I'm going to be okay.If I can keep everybody, if I can manage them, if I can control them, if I can make them, everybody's smiling. I used to think that with my kids, if my kids were happy, I was going to be okay. But I'M going to tell you right now, that's a heavy way to live.For so many of us, people control sounds like this. If they're upset, I've got to fix it. How many parents think about this? They see their kid upset, oh, I got to put this. I got to figure this out.I got to fix this. I do this with my own wife. I come in the door and she looks about set us out. Something like, hey, what's going on? What can I do to fix it?That's not going to work. Or if they pull away, I did something wrong. I must have said the wrong thing. I must have suggested the wrong thing.Or if they don't approve, I'm not okay. If they're unhappy, I failed. If they leave, I won't survive it. And see, here's where surrender doesn't mean you stop caring.I'm not telling you to surrender so that you don't care. It means stop trying to be the savior. I mentioned that earlier. I felt this in my own marriage. I thought I could save this.I thought, I can make this work. But I learned that, you know what? I can do my part. I can be that person that my wife needs. But ultimately, I got to leave the rest of that to God.God's got to manage that side of sounds like this, Lord, help me love well, but I can release what I can't change. You can't change other people. You might be watching or listening right now. You're like, ralph, I know exactly what you're talking about.I try to walk on eggshells. I tried to do the right thing with all these people, but I can't change them. That's right.So say to yourself this, Lord, give me courage to speak truth and peace when I can't control their response. So you can't control someone else's response. You can control your response. You can control what you say to them, but you got to leave.The rest of God say to this lord, I can be faithful without being responsible for their reaction. You can never be responsible for someone else's reaction. You're responsible for your reaction. You're responsible for your faithfulness in that.But you never know what you're going to get back. Here's Bucket three. Perception. So many of us suffer in this gospel of control.You think about how you're seen, whether you look together, whether you look strong, you look successful. I find myself in this bucket all the time. This is what I call the performance bucket.But it's sneaky because you can do all the right things for all the wrong reasons. And it's not because you're a bad person. It's because you're terrified of being exposed. And perception control shows up like this.You don't ever ask for help because you don't want to look needy. How many of us would admit to that? We don't want to ever ask for help, Ralph. Because I don't want somebody to think I need them. Heaven forbid.I don't want to need somebody. That's perception control. Or you won't admit you're struggling because you're the strong one. How many of you are the strong one in the family?But you go to bed and you just weep at night because you can't handle much more. Everybody has put everything onto you, and you won't admit that you're struggling because I gotta be the strong one.Hey, the rest of them are a mess, Ralph. If I don't do it, nobody else can. Nobody else can step up. That's perception control. You try to curate an image. You keep up the smile.You say, I'm fine, but inside, you're holding on by your fingertips. You are falling apart. And the problem with this one, it's brutal. Because it makes you feel alone. Even in a room full of people.Even in a room of people that you love. And they love you. Because nobody can comfort who you're pretending to be. You don't. They don't know who you are because you don't share it with them.Perception control sounds like this. I can't let them see me shaky. I gotta be strong. My dad was like this.I know as an adult now, as a parent, gonna be a grandparent here in the next few months. I look back to my dad, and he always put on this strong exterior, male exterior. But I know deep down, man, he was shaken.But he would never let us see that because he always had to be the strong one. And for so many of us, we started to think in our own minds, if they knew the real story, they judged me. See, it's all about perception.I have to look like I've got it all together. But, friend, hear me on this. That's not confidence. That's not bravado. That's fear. We go back to that fear, right? Fear dressed up as competence.But surrender here sounds like this. Lord, I don't need to be admired. I need to be anchored. Lord, I don't need to look strong. I need to be honest.Lord, please free me from performing and teach me how to rest. And here's the question that changes this week. All right, we're getting some real talk now. I just went through those three buckets.Let me ask you right now, and feel free to comment. If you're watching this on YouTube, put it right in the comments. Which bucket is owning you right now? Which bucket?Is it the outcomes bucket you're trying to control? I got to know what's going to happen here to make sure this happens. Is it the people bucket? Are you trying to manage everybody?You're trying to be the savior, trying to make sure that the moods are good, everybody's smiling? Or is it that perception bucket? I'm just afraid I got to be the strong one, Ralph. Everybody's got to see me as the tough guy. I can't shake.I can't wither. I can never admit that I don't have it all together. And I want you to name it. Now, this isn't about judging yourself. I just want you to name it.Because when you name it, it loosens the grip. And here's the follow up question. What would it look like to hold that bucket with open hands? Open hands.And trust God for the outcomes with a steady heart? Now, I'm talking about doing that forever. Not perfectly, just today, just that next step today.Because you don't have to control everything to be faithful. You just have to be faithful with what's in front of you at this very moment. And let God be God with the rest.All right, friend, let's do a moment together because I really feel like we need to do this now. I'm not talking about some spiritual moment, just a real moment. Because you and I both know anxiety doesn't leave because someone says, don't worry.How many times have you heard that in your own life, Ralph? Just don't worry. My mom used to say this all the time, Son, don't worry. Everything's going to be all right.But that doesn't mean the anxiety goes anywhere. If you suffer from anxiety, you hear no worry, and you're like, yeah, sure, right? That doesn't work for me, Ralph.But let's go to practice something right now if you can. Whatever you're doing right now, I just want you to breathe slowly.Just bring it in through your nose real quick and just hold it for a second and then let out. And you feel it. Already your shoulders are starting to drop. Let them fall. Unclench your jaw.And if your hands are tight, just open them right now like you're letting something go. Because sometimes your body's holding before your Mind even admits it.And if that made you emotional right now, if you feel that lump in your throat like, ralph, I can't believe what we just did. That's not about being dramatic. That's about being human. That's your soul saying, I'm tired of holding this. Now ask yourself this question.What am I gripping right now? What is it that I'm holding on to? What is that control I'm holding onto? What are the outcomes I'm holding onto? And I'm not talking about everything.I mean, the top three things that are showing up in your mind right now, just pick three. Not 20 of them. We could probably list a hundred of these. Just pick three.I'm going to give you a few examples because these may be things you're trying to hold on to. Maybe it's that bill you can't stop thinking about. It's sitting over there on the desk. You know, I got to pay this bill I'm worried about.How am I going to pay it? Money's tight right now, but you're just gripping on the control of that. Maybe it's a health concern. You just can't control you.Like, I'm worried about this test result. They found something. The doctor said I need to come in in a week. They put me through these tests.I went to the lab, and I'm just thinking, I gotta hold on to this. I can control this. Maybe for you, it's a child you're worried about. Notice. And when I was.When my kids were young, I used to worry about them all the time. And I thought, hey, you know what? When they turn 18, I won't worry about them anymore. Guess what? I worry about them more now. My youngest is 24.My oldest is 28. I worry about them every single day. But if I just. I just hold on to that, right?Maybe you're in a relationship that feels uncertain you're just holding on to, like, I gotta manage this. I make sure she's okay, make sure he's okay, make they're sure they're okay. Maybe it's that business outcome you're chasing.You're just planning and you're holding on tight. I'm not letting go of this. That grip. You're tired. It's all tensed up.Maybe it's a conversation you've been putting off that you're afraid to have with somebody. But you gotta have it out of love. It's that deadline you can't escape. You've got to get this done.But you're just clinching onto that, maybe it's someone's opinion, has way too much power over you. Or maybe for you right now, it's your fear of looking like you failed. It's that perception, reality, isn't it?And so right now I want you to take those three things and label each one of them. Now I'm not talking about judging yourself, I just want you to label them so you understand yourself and ask yourself, is this outcome?Is this person? Is it perception? What are those three buckets? What is it you just wrote down? What are the things you're trying to hold on to?Is the outcome you're trying to control? Is it the person you're trying to control? Is that perception you want to control? So think about that.Right now we're going to pray a one sentence surrender prayer for each one of these. And I want you to hear me loud and clear on this. This isn't you pretending you don't care. This is you refusing to play God anymore.This is you saying, I will be faithful, I will not be crushed. So for the first one you wrote down, I want you to pray this. Lord, I care about this, but I release it to you.I can't hold this anymore, Lord, I can't carry this anymore. Care about this, Lord, but I'm releasing it to you. Now think of that second one and say it again. Lord, I care about this. I deeply care about this.But Lord, I gotta release this to you. I can't control it anymore. I can't worry about the outcome. I can't worry about what that person thinks of me.I can't worry about my child making that decision. Now let's think about that third one you wrote down and we're going to do it again. Lord, I care about this, but I release control to you.Can't control this business anymore. I can't control this bill. I can't control that health concern, Lord, I'm just giving it to you.But let's go one step deeper because sometimes you can say, I release it, but you look at your hands and they're still super tight. So here's the follow up question and this one gets difficult. I've had to ask myself the same question.What am I afraid is going to happen if I don't control this? Just one honest sentence. What am I afraid of is going to happen if I don't control this? Think back to what Jesus said.You try to control everything, but you can't control anything. You're just a mist. So friend, whatever came up, that's the real place. God wants to meet you. Not on a spreadsheet, not on your calendar, your fear.He wants to meet you in your wound, in your. I can't survive that again. Now, that brings me back to this question, back to earth, if you will. What is my next faithful step?Because that's the only thing we can do. We can't take 10 steps. We can't plan out a whole year. We can't have the whole plan. We just need one next step. What does that look like?And I'm going to give you a few examples, because this is a place where your brain can spiral out of control. And these may not pertain to you, but maybe they do. Maybe you need to make that phone call you've been avoiding.You're saying to me, ralph, you know what? Got to have that difficult conversation with my son or daughter or my neighbor, whatever that is. You've been putting it off. But what's that one step?I can make that phone call today, Ralph. I can stop controlling this. Maybe it's your health. Like something doesn't feel right. Something's not quite right, but you've been putting it up.You're like, I'm just gonna. I mean, you're ignore it. I'm gonna put it off. Set that appointment today.You can't control the outcome, but the Lord is with you during that whole thing. Maybe right now it's a financial. I'm a financial guy.Maybe if you need to finally write that budget down, simple and honest, and say, I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep up this pace. We're driving ourselves crazy. We're going in the debt over our heads.Maybe you need to send that email that you've been putting off. Maybe you owe somebody an apology. Maybe you hurt somebody.You're like, oh, man, I'm going to admit if I apologize, Ralph, I'm going to admit that I failed them. I'm going to admit that I don't have it all together. You know what?Some of the best apologies I've ever given and I've ever received are the person that says to me, ralph, you know what? I'm a broken dude, just like you. Or I'm broken, and I don't have it all together.I respect somebody that says to me, ralph, I don't have it all together. They'll respect you to do the same thing. Maybe you need to set a boundary. Maybe you've not set boundaries and you're trying to control that.Maybe you need to ask for Help. It's okay to ask for help. We talked about this a couple weeks ago. It's okay to ask for help. Maybe you need to take that walk today.Turn that phone off. Put that phone away. Go to bed and get some rest. Or pray with someone instead of being alone.But just take that one practical step and trust God with you. What you can't carry anymore. Now here's the most important part. After you name that next faithful step, you stop. That's where you got to leave it.You don't try to solve the whole future. You don't chase certainty. You don't punish yourself for not having it all figured out. You simply say, lord, I will do this next step.And I'm going to trust you with what I can't control. See friend, that's what biblical planning is all about. That is open handed planning. It's not being lazy, it's not being passive. It's faith.It's wisdom. To surrender, it's responsibility without slavery. So say it with me again, one more time. Open hands, steady heart.And friend, if you need to do this exercise five times a day this week. Do it. Do it ten times this week. It doesn't matter. It's not failure, it's training. Because you're going to learn how to live free by doing this.Now let's go a little deeper. Because surrender isn't just a concept in our lives. Surrender is a doorway. And that doorway has a name. That doorway's name is Jesus.And some of you right now are tired because you've been trying to carry your life all on your own. And it's not because you're arrogant. It's because you've been afraid. You've been living in fear because something hurt you. Someone hurt you.And you promised yourself, I am never going to let that happen again. I am never going to let my guard down to let that happen again. So you started controlling. But control is never going to heal you, my friend.Control can only numb you. Only Jesus can heal you. Only Jesus can truly hold you. And only Jesus can save you.If you're ready to surrender your life to him, I want you to pray with me right now. Jesus. I admit I've been trying to run my light. I've been trying to control what I can't control.I've tried to find peace through certainty and outcomes. Man, I am tired and I need you. I believe you died for my sin. I believe you rose again. Please forgive me. Wash me clean. Be the Lord of my life.I surrender it to you. Teach me to trust you. Teach me to walk with you. Today, I surrender it all to you. And I ask this in Jesus name. Amen.Friend, if you just prayed that first thing I want to tell you to do is breathe. Because something holy just happened in your life. You were welcomed into the glory of God. You were forgiven. You were rescued. And guess what?You were made new. So welcome home. And if your mind starts to whisper, oh, that's great, Ralph, but what if I mess up? Guess what? You're going to mess up.But that new life you have now in Christ is not built on your grip. It's built on his grace. And that's why it can never be taken away from you. And friend, you're not meant to do this alone.This channel exists to help you stand firm and flourish in a shifting world with God's word as your anchor. So I want to invite you right now to come and join us@ truthunveiledwithralph.com/join again. That's truth Unveiled With Ralph.You're going to find encouragement, you're going to find prayer, and you're going to find resources, including a companion download for today, the Open Hand Planned Action Sheet. This isn't some place to be impressed. This is a place to be supported.Well, how about we pray together, Father, you see the clenched fists of the people watching and listening right now. And you see the anxious thoughts that just won't slow down in our heads. So, Lord, teach us to plan with wisdom and.And to trust with our whole hearts. Break that lie that controls equal safety. Replace it with truth. Your presence is our safety. Lord, help us do the next faithful thing without panic.Right now, we surrender the outcomes. We surrender people. And Lord, we surrender perception. And we receive your peace. In Jesus name, Amen. Friend. I want you to hear this.You're allowed to plan and still rest. You're allowed to be responsible and still breathe. But hold your plans loosely. But hold on to your Savior tightly. Open hands, steady heart.Again, I want to encourage you to go to truthunveiledwithRalph.com/join and grab our Open Hand Plan Action Sheet.And if right now you know somebody living with that tight chest pressure, like they're trying to hold everything right now, I want to encourage you share this episode with them not as a lecture, but as a lifeline. Just say to them, hey, I listen to this. I'm not judging you, but man, maybe you need to hear this.Just send them a link for the YouTube or send them a link to the podcast. This could be a lifeline for them. You may very well change their life today. And all you've got to do is share this episode.I just want to thank you so much for joining me today. I know we got a little long, been a little deep today, but we got to surrender this gospel of control.So God bless you and I'll see you again next week.